One step forward, five steps back

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I have the bad habit of talking about my deepest struggles only after they've been resolved. When I was a new mother, I experienced postpartum anxiety. The dark, scary experience was mine and mine alone. I never talked about it with anyone except a brief mention to my sister, for many months.

My tendency is to not talk about it when I'm going through it, but wait until afterward. When I feel strong again, then I can share the journey and the successful conclusion. I like being able to tie up loose ends and write the final conclusion before I share my story with others. It's probably related to my love of doing things rather than being present. 

For the past 18 months, I have been in  waiting period. I loathe my corporate day job. It's not a bad position, just one where I can feel my soul becoming more and more dry, my life becoming less and less meaningful. I haven't had a lot of success trying to find something else, but I did finally have an interview yesterday. I wanted to write today about how sure I am that this is the right thing, that all of my waiting has now paid off. But the truth is, I have no idea if that's the case. It will be days until I hear whether or not I'm offered the job.

Rather than wait for a successful ending to this story though (or a disappointing one), I am sharing it here and now. I'm full of hope and doubt, peace and worry all at the same time.

One thing that I've learned through this process and am continuing to learn, is how bad I am at waiting and how important it is to learn to be better at it. Spirit is leading me but again and again, I pull back. I don't like not being in control. Trusting doesn't come easily for me. I want to "let go and let God," but more than that I want to know what's coming so I can prepare. And even though I tell Spirit over and over that I am letting go of something, I have a tendency to snatch it back every few minutes and re-examine it for new potential solutions.

My spiritual mentor said something like this a few weeks ago, "After you've prayed and let go of the thing, try to distract yourself. When your mind goes back to that thing you let go of, remind yourself that it's in God's hands."

So, that's what I'm working on now. It's a process sort of like breathing. I breathe out (and give my worries away) and then I breathe in (and try to wrestle them back). I'm like a little drooling baby, completely at the beginning stage of this way of doing things. But that's OK. Because every time I can let go, just a fraction of an inch, I'm learning a new way of doing things. A new way of being. Learning this is mind boggling-ly slow for me. But I suppose it's better than the alternative.

How are you at waiting? Have you learned any helpful ways of approaching it that you can share? 


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